The comprehensive guide to writing

a terrific Dear Birthmother Letter

(also called a Family Resume or Adoption Portfolio.)

An excerpt from the Foreword:

Beginning Your Adoption Journey
by Carol LieberWilkins, M.A.,
Marriage and Family Therapist, Adoption Counselor

PLEASE NOTE: The information on this page is protected by U.S. Copyright law and may not be reproduced or distributed in any way without the express written permission of the author.

It is my great honor to be asked to write the foreword to this book. As an adoption educator and psychotherapist specializing in infertility and family-building options since 1985, I've guided hundreds of couples (and singles) through the emotional minefields of their adoption journey.

It will probably surprise you to learn that almost every prospective adoptive parent with whom I have worked was absolutely certain they would never meet a birthmother or birthfather because they (check all that apply to you):

1. are too tall
   

2. are too short
   

3. are too skinny
   

4. are too fat
   

5. are too Jewish
   

6. are too Christian
   

7. are too Catholic
   

8. are too Buddhist
   

9. are a mixed faith couple or not religious at all or undecided
   

10. are too old
    

11. are too young
    

12. are not educated enough or too educated

1. are too wealthy (yes!)
   

2. are not wealthy enough
   

3. live in a huge house
   

4. live in a modest apartment
   

5. have curly hair
   

6. have straight hair
   

7. have tons of family locally
   

8. all their family is dead
   

9. have family living too far away
   

10. are single
    

11. live in the big city
    

12. live in the suburbs
    

13. live in the country
    

14. are disabled

1. are a minority
   

2. are not a minority
   

3. are infertility thrashed
   

4. haven't done enough infertility treatment to be worthy
   

5. already have one or two children
   

6. have no children yet
   

7. have already decided they are not worthy to become parents so why would they be chosen
   

8. are too average
   

9. are not average enough
   

10. or...

Purchase Information

Be honest, how many lines did you check?

Here's something else that will surprise you. Everyone that I have ever counseled who remained on the adoption path became a parent, despite having any or all of the perceived "deficits" above.

Coming to adoption after years of suffering from infertility usually leaves us pessimistic, frightened and intimidated. We feel ""unentitled" to become parents. I can use the word "us" here because I, too, walked this path. I am a mother who became a mother through the magical, mystical, complex, complicated, often difficult, spiritual process of adoption.

It is common and normal for everyone approaching adoption to have fears, including that they will not be chosen. Many are afraid that an open adoption will result in complicated relationships with birthparents. Then there is THE BIG FEAR: the feeling of being threatened by birthparents.

The more you understand birthparents and the adoption process, however, the more you will realize how untrue are many of the myths surrounding open adoption, and how little you have to fear. Birthparents are as different in their needs, personalities and styles as are prospective parents. For every aspect of you that you think will cast you in a negative light, there is a birthparent looking for someone exactly like you.

And most are at least as frightened as you are. They are often alone, confused, and in the most difficult situation any of us can possibly imagine. They cannot parent the child they have created and desperately need someone who can and will. They are often embarrassed, feel foolish, and feel "unentitled" just like you.

To the birthmother or birthfather, you look like you have it all. You (if not single) are married; you are old enough and mature enough to be good parents (as if that were a guarantee!!); in most cases you have more financial security than the birthparents (no matter how much you have); you want to parent; you have medical insurance, support systems, jobs, each other, and more. In other words you have and are many of the things birthparents do not have and are not.

............

(cont.)

This book teaches you concepts and steps consistent with good mental health. It will show you how to be congruent, in other words, to have your outsides match your insides. It encourages you to trust, both yourself, and the birth parent you hope to meet. And it will help you to introduce yourself to birth parents feeling very comfortable that the people described in your Dear Birthmother letter are absolutely you.

I hope this Guide fills you with confidence and enthusiasm as you begin the process of bringing into your lives the birth family that will eventually fulfill your dreams of parenthood. It's a wonderful journey, and one I urge you to honor and appreciate.

May your path be blessed with all the joys that adoption can bring.

Carole LieberWilkins, MA
September 23, 2001

Purchase Information

Look Inside the Book!

1. Read an excerpt from "The Golden Rules"
   

2. Table of Contents
   

3. A Note from the Author
   

PLEASE NOTE: The information on this page is protected by U.S. Copyright law and may not be reproduced or distributed in any way without the express written permission of the author.